The World Cup is almost here and this is what you need to know about it.
10. Sex please? Not so fast…
Not every team’s coach has commented on this much debated subject, but some have. Here are a few of the options players will have on various teams…
- Bosnia and hertz – NO, but self hj’s are OK (so there’s that…)
- Brazil – YES, but NO acrobatic sex (which pretty much makes this a NO for Brazilians)
- Chile- NO sexual behaviour of any kind. So that sucks…or…
- France – YES (Duhhhhhhh)
- Mexico – NO, and after their recent run ins with prostitutes, cant really blame the coach on this one.
- U.S. – YES. I guess after admitting they have no shot of winning, Klinsmen wants his players to enjoy something.
9. Goal Line Technology
This will be the first World Cup that will employ goal line technology to see if a ball has fully crossed the line on close calls.
I can almost see Germany and England meeting in the knockout stages and the game being decided by a German goal that was not awarded but then given upon further review.
Brace yourself English fans.
8. Vuvuzelas? They Gon’
Maybe the only thing that every team and every fan can agree on, no one will be upset that stadiums in Brazil will not sound like giant bee hives. Peace vuvuzelas.
But what is a world cup these days without the home fans having some sort of noise machine? Keep an ear out for Brazil’s Caxirola, a Maracas-like instrument, that even having never heard, I know will be no where near as annoying as vuvuzelas.
7. Near, far, wherever you are…might matter
Brazil is famous for being a big-ass country, but more importantly for the World Cup it is also a big ass country.
With 12 stadiums situated throughout the 8.5 million sq km nation, the amount of travel your team has to do within Brazil could have a huge impact on the distance they travel within the tournament.
For instance, Belgium travels the smallest distance, only having to journey 700 km, while the U.S. travels the farthest, having to trek over 5,600 km. That’s a huge discrepancy, look for travel to play a vital role in how things turn out.
6. Weathering the weather, whether you like it or not.
There has been a minor uproar over the starting times of this world cup. Some people seem to have a problem with having to play afternoon games where temperatures will can average over 30 degrees celcius (good luck in Qatar…).
For those of you that think temperature matters be aware that Italy, U.S., Japan, Mexico, and Germany will be playing in the hottest locales, while Algeria, Iran, Netherlands, and Argentina will be playing in the most temperate parts of the country.
5. Team Riders
Wondering if any teams out there have any weird demands? The answer is yes, but the answers are also completely underwhelming…
- Uruguay- Silent air conditioning. Presumably so teammates will be able to hear if Luiz Suarez comes looking for a late night snack.
- Portugal – A computer console in every room. Presumably because the only way they win the World Cup is if they are playing a video game featuring Ronaldo with a rating of 99.
- Algeria – A copy of the Quran in every room. Presumably because praying to God is the only chance they have.
- Japan- Jacuzzi in every room. Presumably because the Japanese love everything heart shaped.
- France- Liquid soap instead of the bar type of soap. Presumably this has something to do with #10…
- Ecuador – Ecuadorian bananas in every room. Presumably these will be chalk full of steroids because that is the only way Ecuador is winning this thing.
4. Klose, closing in, is close.
Miroslav Klose is only one goal away from tying Brazilian great Ronaldo for most World Cup goals in history.
It’s not a given that he’ll score but don’t be surprised if Klose is mysteriously “kidnapped” before the opening kickoff just to make sure he doesn’t.
3. Stranger Danger
Speaking of Brazilian hospitality, sweet merciful 98 foot high Jesus do they need some lessons.
If you are making the trip to watch the beautiful game, just make sure you also have the ability to watch 360 degrees around yourself at all times. From Kidnappings to murders and everything in between, Brazil has got you covered.
Luckily, at least Brazil banned the sale of alcohol in sports stadiums 11 years ago to curb some of the violence (the country led the world in soccer-related deaths from 1998 to 2008, with 42 fatalities reported).
Unluckily, FIFA demanded Budweiseder be allowed to sell beer or else no World Cup and Brazil relented. But I mean, it’s FIFA so I’m sure they thought this out fully…
2. South America Dominating like Regular America
South America has hosted the World Cup only 4 times and all 4 times the trophy has been lifted by a South American team (Brazil 2, Uruguay 1, Arentina 1). Is this the year that ends? Don’t count on it.
There are a number of high profile injuries ahead of the start of the tournament. Who will play and who will not? Here is a list of the most high profile injuries and question marks:
Frank Ribery (France) – tough loss for France, probably can’t go all the way without him.
Radamel Falcao (Colombia) – shame for him to miss playing on his home continent. Bigger shame for Colombia’s chances.
Marco Reus (Germany) – the German’s don’t necessarily “need” him but they will surely miss him.
Riccardo Montolivo (Italy) – Not tournament changing as Italy has a decent well of center mids.
Theo Walcott (England) – Could have been a difference maker, but even with him in the lineup England is facing an uphill battle.
Luis Suarez (Uruguay) – Playing at the highest level of his career, if Uruguay want to go all the way they need a healthy Suarez.
Diego Costa (Spain) – Luckily for Spain they are good enough to win without a true striker, but having Costa in the lineup would certainly give them some more options.
Arturo Vidal (Chile) – If Vidal plays at the top of his game then Chile should not be slept on.
Manuel Neuer (Germany) – Germany can score goals, but having a fit, worldclass goaltender makes them that much more dangerous.
Christiano Ronaldo (Portugal) – He’ll play, but unless he is 100% Portugal doesn’t stand a chance.
So there you have it. After 4 years of waiting the World Cup is here again. Enjoy!
Image via soccerlens.com