Recently, Brooklyn Nets majority owner Mikhail Prokhorov made headlines for announcing his plans to transfer his team’s ownership company from the good ‘ol U.S. of A. to the good ‘ol Moscow of Russia – a move, he says, is necessary thanks to a recent law passed by the Kremlin that’s set up to try and corral offshore businesses owned by public officials. And, since Prokhorov – who has already run (and lost) in his first attempt at becoming the President of Russia in 2012 – has every intention of becoming a perennial candidate, he says that he is just trying to come into compliance with the law of the land as it’s laid out for “public officials.”
Though he’s claimed that he has spoken to and has support from NBA leadership about making this unprecedented move, not only has anyone of note in the NBA hierarchy denied ever having that conversation, they’ve openly expressed their concern about the danger in allowing such a transfer to happen, citing the risk of losing any kind of regulatory control once the company no longer has to answer to U.S. laws.
Curiously, several NBA owners have declined to wade into the topic, including, even, that constant and consistent captain of controversy, Mark Cuban. Clearly, the other owners are avoiding comment either because they A) don’t want to denounce anything that they themselves might someday like to emulate if it allows them the ability to somehow make even more money or B) they don’t want to provoke the wrath of some rouge (is there any other kind?) KGB hit squad.
Though a timetable has yet to be established about when or if the NBA is going to address this topic with finality, I am making it my responsibility to provide you, humble readers, with a guide designed to help you prepare for the changes that may lie ahead for New York’s better basketball team.
[WARNING: The post you are about to read contains a slew of outdated and shamelessly tired clichés referencing Cold War-Era Russia. Also, if you happen to be a member of that rogue KGB hit squad mentioned above, never mind my profile…my real name is “Clem” and I live in an artists’ commune deep in the south of France.]
THE TOP TEN SIGNS THAT NETS OWNER MIKHAIL PROKHOROV HAS SUCCESSFULLY TRANSFERRED HIS BROOKLYN NETS OWNERSHIP COMPANY TO RUSSIA
10- Peter Gabriel’s “Red Rain,” the Beatles’ “Back In The USSR” and Iron Maiden’s “Mother Russia” will replace all songs played at Barclays Arena.
9- Pu**y Riot will be beaten by Cossacks as part of the Nets “halftime” show.
8- Sarunas Marciulionis will replace Jason Kidd on the bench as the Nets’ new coach.
7- The Nets will suddenly sign a “mature” rookie named “Pladimir Vutin” who lacks any discernable basketball skills and insists on playing shirtless.
6- Gatorade will be replaced by vodka squirt bottles.
5- The new team slogan will be changed to, “We Have Ways Of Making You Cheer.”
4- Hotdogs and burgers will be replaced by Borscht and Shashlyk. Also, cigarettes will be sold at the vodka stands and smoking will be allowed inside Barclays Arena.
3- After a couple of shaky starts with new team names – including “The Netskis” and “The Netniks” – ownership settles on, “The Cagey B’s,” an homage to both the team’s veteran-laden leadership and the first letter of the borough in which the team resides. (Once again, it’s “Clem”…south of France…okay?)
2- On the flipside, those heard to be calling the team “The Brooklyn Nyets” will be summarily disciplined and sent to work in a labor camp.
1- The Cagey B’s will invade and annex the New York Knicks amidst much scorn and protest from owners around the League, thereby becoming one of the most powerful-yet-hated teams in the NBA.