Throughout my many years of attending Maple Leafs games, I have noticed a few trends among fans that simply seem to be natural laws of the Air Canada Centre. I attended two pre-season games, and while the “line brawl” game vs. Buffalo re-affirmed these laws, the game on Sept. 28th was an exception. Now I know Leafs games have been noted for having fairly quiet crowds, but section 303 was dead silent, meaning that aside from two examples, there were not many moments that seemed to correspond with the following laws, meaning this game against Detroit was a rare exception.
Law #1: There Will Always Be a “Scotty Bowman” Around You
Don’t you just love this guy, the guy who thinks he’s Scotty Bowman and has the best observations about the team? At the Sabres game last week, there was someone who kept mentioning how smoothly Jake Gardiner skates, and how he’s a positive asset to the team. Thanks bud, want to also inform everyone else in the arena that the sky is also blue, and that people drink water? The worst part was, he kept repeating it over and over again, as smugly and loudly as possible. People, if you go to a game, don’t be this type of guy, this guy is incredibly annoying.
Law #2: There Will Always Be Someone Yelling Generic Comments
Here are the two best examples: the people who yell, “SHOOOOOOOOT,” and the people who yell, “c’mon (insert player with puck). Don’t yell shoot every time a player crosses the blue line, you just end up sounding like an idiot. I also had the pleasure of sitting right beside an old man who would yell, “c’mon…” at a game last year vs. Carolina, and he had to yell, not state, but yell it for every Leafs player who touched the puck. I have no problem with people getting into the game, but if you shout this in my ear over and over again, you deserve a smack in the head.
Law #3: There Will Always Be Someone Wearing a Jersey That Will Make You Think, “Why would you buy that?”
My all-time favourite was a guy wearing a Darby Hendrickson jersey, but a close second would be the person with the Mike Johnson Leafs jersey from last week. Why in the holy mother of f*** would anyone ever buy a Mike Johnson jersey? It looked to be from the 1999-00 season (yes I can tell), and in that season a Leafs fan had jersey options such as Sundin, Joseph, Thomas, Kaberle, etc., so what goes through someone’s head that sparks the idea of, “yeah, you know what, I’m going to get me a Mike Johnson jersey.” And to wear something like that in 2013, you just look like a sap. At the game last Saturday though, I didn’t see one that was that bad, though I did see some clown wearing a Mike Peca jersey.
Law #4: There Will Always Be a Fan of the Opposing Team That Has No Clue About Said Team
I actually first encountered this law on December 9th, 2000 (yes, I have a freakish memory). My mom actually loves telling this story about a Pittsburgh fan next to me, who was excited to see Mario Lemieux’s return to the NHL that night, only to be disappointed when I told him Super Mario wouldn’t be returning for another few weeks…..oh yeah, I was 8 years old at the time. The trend continued last Sunday, as there was a Sabres fan in front of me (in a Craig Rivet jersey mind you, so he also qualifies for Law 3), who when he wasn’t on his phone (which was a large part of the game), he wouldn’t shut up about the sick hands of Mikhail Grigorenko, and how he is the best player on the Sabres roster. Anyone who knows anything about the Sabres knows that statement is quite incorrect. Also, the fan didn’t even know who Matt Hackett was, even though he was the key returning piece of the Pominville trade. It’s not just opposing team fans who can be guilty of this, it goes for Leafs fans as well. Know your team people!!!
Law #5: There Will Be Someone Who Reads and/or Plays With Their Phone All Game
These people drive me nuts! The worst part is, they usually have great seats to entertain themselves by reading the National Post or playing BrickBreaker. Why come to the game if you’re not going to watch said game? The worst “fan” was a guy who looked like Mr. Schneeblee (School of Rock reference anyone?) who did this last week at the Sabres game. Not only did he have good seats and not pay attention to the game, buy there was a gorgeous girl next to him trying to get his attention all night, and he wouldn’t talk to her! Not only is he wasting his money by not watching the game, and wasting his phone battery by playing with it all night, but he’s wasting a precious chance to chat with a hottie right next to him. What a shame, it’s people like this that need to be sent to live in Siberia for 5 years.
Law #6: There Will Be A Fan Who’s Appearance Will Distract You From the Game
It’s usually some crazy fan who’s dressed up in some sort of get-up, but the past two games, it was someone’s physical appearance. At the Buffalo game, it was during the 3rd period, where I happened to see a man in a Vanek jersey, who had the most beautiful mustache one could ever lay eyes on. It was dark, thick, and gelled to perfection….that’s what she said. Once I came out of the trance that the ‘stache put me in, I notified my buddy Kyle, who became mesmerized with this persons upper-lip hair as well. For the Detroit game, I was with the MSF boss herself, and what I saw actually caused me to cut her off mid-sentence (sorry Hayley). What did I see? One of the greatest mullets of all-time. When you see a mullet like that, you just have to stop whatever you’re doing, and appreciate its beauty, grace, and finesse.
Am I missing any other Laws of ACC? If so, leave a comment below!