“What are you nuts?!?!” The Iranian coach yelled at his team after a particular sloppy match.
The team laughed. Well most of the team anyway…
Four of the players did not find the inquisition all too amusing. In fact, to them, it sounded like a downright accusation more than anything else. The four teammates, or the ‘Secret-aries’, as the other players on the team called them – a nickname resulting from their insistence on only showering with each other – simply shared wavering glances back and forth, then back and forth again, then back and forth one more time, like a pair of testicles knocking against a set of well toned thighs at full sprint…
What, you didn’t read the title?
Yes. Those were the balls in reference.
Apparently, men moonlighting as women in Iranian soccer is a bigger issue than you would think it is.
How much of an issue?
Enough of an issue that players in the women’s pro-league will be subjected to random mandatory gender-testing, and any player who “cannot prove that they are completely female” will be barred from playing.
It’s kind of like random drug-testing in college and professional sports, except that in this case, instead of officials looking for players’ to get little pricks in the arm, officials will be looking for players’ who have little pricks.
Richard pun. Boom.
All jokes aside, this story raises a lot of questions, and many concerns, not the least of which have to do with athletes’ privacy, fairness & equality in sports, and what it means to be a man or a woman.
Legitimate issues that should be given the appropriate time and effort to be resolved. Maybe in a later life…
Until then, I’ll leave you with…
This will be good for the ladies, the coach thought, smiling as his team stood on the grass before him, strange, however it may be, that this was the grass of a driving range and not that of the soccer pitch they were all so accustomed to.
“Today is meant to be fun. Let’s put this nonsense of man-wolves in sheeps clothing out of our heads and relax,” he bellowed.
“Now, who has the test tees?”
“Ladies, who has the test tees?”
More silence, now partnered with looks of legitimate fear from the players. In one breath he says we aren’t going to talk about it, and then in the next breath he asks about it, their collective expressions begging.
“What is going on? I know at least one of you has test tees! Speak up and let’s get on with this!” the coach continued.
It was at this moment that (name omitted) spoke up. He had been afraid of something like this for the better part of two seasons, but decided then and there that he would save the other three “Secret-aries” – he hated that name – and fess up to the coach.
“Coach, I have the testes he said,” hanging his head in shame.
“Ok good, take them out of your bag and give them to me,” the coach replied, rather nonchalantly.
“Take them out of my bag coach???”
“But how coach?”
The coach was growing increasingly hostile with every questioned order.
“Listen I don’t know what is going on here, but if you don’t put your hand into your bag right now and pull out your test tees I am going to lose my mind.”
(Name omitted) gulped, so did the rest of the team.
“Oh and pass me one of your balls while you’re at it, I’ll use the test tee to show you how this game is played,” he added.
(Name omitted) didn’t know what to do. For what seemed like an eternity he didn’t do anything. In the matter of a few moments he had been outed to his team as a man and his coach had demand that he rip his testicles out of his scrotum, with his bare hands nonetheless, so he could smash one with a golf club.
“Hurry up,” the coach screamed as he took his driver out of his golf bag and surveyed his weapon.
(Name omitted) was left with no choice, at that moment he put his hands down his pants and…
…To Be Continued…
p.s. for details on the full book get in touch with me on twitter @ThePoemer