Larry vs Lance

Imaginary Larry Bird Tirade Fictitiously Recorded!

Jun 3 • Featured Blogs, NBA • 34085 Views • No Comments

Unless you’ve been living in an underground bunker with only a case of sardines and a pad of Mad-Libs for entertainment, you know that the Indiana Pacers battled down to the end of Game 5 to eke out a win against the World Champion Miami Heat. This, after winning the opening game of the series only to lose the next three in succession before barely hanging on to survive until Game 6.

And, if you know that much, then you also know that the Pacers completely sh*t the proverbial bed in the next game, as the Heat absolutely steamrolled them to knock them out of the Playoffs and put an ugly, yet well-tailored cap on the end of their roller-coaster season. Unfortunately for Pacers fans and Heat haters, the malaise that set in for Indiana at the beginning of February continued to haunt the team into the postseason, despite having started as the hottest franchise in the NBA and creating a mirage complete with trophies and buckets filled with champagne in an imaginary Bankers Life Fieldhouse locker room decorated with “Finals” regalia.

Along the way to getting burned 4-2 by the Heat, who now face a Finals rematch with the “Hangry” (that’s hungry and angry, of course!) San Antonio Spurs, budding headcase Lance Stephenson made headlines for foolishly antagonizing LeBron James and Dwyane Wade with trash talk before and during games, even as the Heat were making their fairly steady march through the gut of his team toward yet another NBA Championship round, while All-Star Center Roy Hibbert played like a 2-star journeyman and Pacers Coach Frank Vogel publicly questioned his team’s level of confidence.

As one can imagine, the team’s ugly and, ultimately, total collapse left one “legendary” team president more than a little incensed, especially after working to return to the team after overcoming several medical maladies that forced him to take leave from his hometown franchise.

Following the Heat’s dismantling of his team, completely unsubstantiated and quite probably definitely fabricated rumor has it that Pacers President Larry Bird visited the locker room and gave his players an even worse shellacking than what was delivered by the team from South Beach.

We’ve obtained the faux transcript of the secret tape of that fictionally rumored outburst that may probably never have taken place at the end of Game 6.

{The sound of the final buzzer is heard…a few minutes of footsteps echoing and players’ voices murmuring are heard before a booming that sounds like a door being blasted open.}

Pacers President Larry Bird: “Just look at you buncha sorry-@$$ hangdogs! We won more games than those guys in the other locker room…we had home court advantage! Four months ago, you were all engraving our name on the goddamn Larry O’Brien Trophy. NOW, lookatcha! All that whining about the referees and the foul calls we weren’t gettin’? Lemmie ask you guys something…were the referees ruining all the games back in February and March when our team dove headfirst into the shi**er?!?”

Coach Frank Vogel: “Uh, Larry, now to be fair, I…”

Bird: “Don’t even, Vogel! Don’t even! Fair? You wanna know what’s fair? It’s fair to say that I can think of at least twelve different high-school kids that could have coached us to 2-4 in this series! I took this team to the Finals, for Chrissake! You know what they called me?

Vogel: “Coach of the Year.

Bird: “Coach of the goddamn Year, that’s right! You know what? Come see me when you make it out of the Eastern Conference with this team and then maybe I’ll CONSIDER letting you clear your throat! That sound ‘fair’ to you?”

George Hill: Um, excuse me, Larry? I just…

Bird: “Sorry, can’t hear you with my three championship rings clinkin’ together. Look, I like you, Hill. You remind me of my old teammate Jerry Sichting. But, he won a championship with me. YOU got a ring? No? Zip it!”

David West: “But, Larry…we didn’t even know we were supposed to be listening to you. We thought you meant it when you said you wanted us to pay attention to Coach Vogel.”

Larry: “Didn’t think you were supposed to listen to me? Are you…you’re shi**in’ me, right, Dave? Of COURSE you listen to me! I was the Nasimith College Basketball Player of the Year in this little town called Indiana. Maybe you’ve heard of it? We goddam near reinvented basketball there! You think I might know a little sumpthin’ ‘bout basketball? Oh…did I mention? Three championships! And, you know what else?

West: “Three MVP’s.”

Bird: “Three goddamn MVP’s! Yeah. That’s right.”

“And, Lance, you crazy summb*tch! If you’re gonna trash talk someone, you wanna make sure it’s not the best goddamn player on the planet? And, seriously, I could put up what you put up the last few games if I jumped on the floor today with my bum back and wearing my goddamn business suit! Oh, and nice job wearing out Dwyane Wade, by the way. You really showed ‘im. He only upped his averages against us from what he was doing against the Charlotte Bobcats. The goddamn Bobcats, for Chrissakes!! Lance, If we end up bringing you back…IF we end up bringing you back…how ‘bout you shut your freaking trap and just play some basketball? Can you manage that? Or did they stop teaching basketball in New York when Mark Jackson left?”

{Inaudible snickering, and then the sound of a heavy, possibly chair-like object hitting the ground}

Bird: “Do I hear laughing? Is someone laughing?!? Oh, wait a second…I KNOW that’s not you laughing, Hibbs! Jesus H. Christ, Hibbs, my old teammate Dennis Johnson could score 25 in the post on that team, and he’s a dead guy! And a guard!! What was it, Hibbs? Not enough room for you to wedge that oversized babybody between your man and the basket for a few rebounds? I mean, they didn’t have any 7-footers out there, but apparently, neither did we. You know what? We should have started Georgie Hill at center. At least he’s not afraid to post up.”

Evan Turner: {Mumbling almost incoherently} “Well, maybe if you played somebody you might have had a chance.”

Bird: “Who the Hell are YOU? Paul…who the Hell is this guy and where the Hell did he come from?”

Paul George: “Uh, permission to speak, Sir?”

Bird: “Oh, come on, Paul. You know you always have permission to speak. You’re our one true superstar – no offense, Dave. In fact, everybody here should apologize to you the way the entire Celtics organization did to me when we didn’t win in ’85 and ’87 against the Lakers. Speak your mind, Son.”

George: “Well, actually, his name is Evan Turner and, well…you traded for him.”

Bird: Traded for him? Who’d I trade for ‘im?

George: Danny Granger, Sir.

Bird: Aww, Hell…I musta been on my back medication again, dang it. Well, that one’s on me for sure.

{Momentary silence, then…}

Bird: “Quit yer damn grinnin’, Lance! You got nothin’ to smile at. So I made ONE bad decision. How’d that whole “get LeBron off his game” thing work out for you? Oh, that’s right, we’re all goin’ fishin.’ Why don’t you come see me when YOU win Executive of the Year. Oh, that’s right…you didn’t learn basketball yet. Have fun on the Knicks next year. Tell Carmelo I said, ‘hi.’”

Stephenson: “Ahhh, old man…you are sooo lucky that you ARE an old man. And, if I joined the Knicks, you KNOW we’d come back here and kick y’all’s @$$es on the regular!”

Bird: “Lance…let me tell you what I once told Bill Laimbeer of the Detroit Pistons…

{Dead silence, followed by several loud crashes and then, more silence until…}

Bird: “C’mon Paul…let’s go get a beer and I’ll tell you about this OTHER great Paul who used to own the fourth quarter.

{Silence. End of imaginary recording.}


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